In a surprise move, BCCI has appointed ‘Bappar Maari’ as the coach for Team India. Mr Marimuthu, started his career as a chemistry lab attendant in DG Vaishnav College, Arumbakkam, Chennai. And he used to be in charge of preparing and distributing the buffer material for chemistry experiments. Since he used to pronounce buffer as bappar, students of DGVC fondly called him as Bappar Maari.

After few years in DGVC, Mr Maari joined Southern Railways as an attendant in 3rd AC and 2nd AC coaches. Our sources say that, since Maari is good at chemistry and deft at handling coaches BCCI Sintex tank(BCCI think tank) handed over the reins to Mr Maari.

Mr Maari gave a presentation to BCCI officials at Parangimalai Jyothi theatre, yesterday morning at 11 AM. And the BCCI top brass was impressed with the show, as Mr Maari had included lots of bits and pieces in the presentation. Some details of Mr Maari’s presentation

1. Fielding. Indian always have a problem with the releases. Let it be Sivaji movie release, Software product release or releasing the ball to the stumps. To overcome this, a new technique called Sodium fielding will be introduced. Sodium in shape of cricket ball will be thrown towards the fielders. The moment the players touch sodium, their hands will burn like hell and they will release it immediately. So as days goes by this will improve in reducing the time lag. And Indian fielders can convert 2’s into 1’s

2. Strategy. Right from team selection, till man of the match ceremony everything will follow a strategy. The first strategy will be to take the Cricinfo guys into confidence and bribe them so that they go ga ga over the new team and bring terror in the mind of opposition with this hype. And players are adviced to use only these statements to the media. ‘Boys played badly’ , ‘Ball did not come to the bat(For batsmen)’, ‘Ball went to the bat(for bowlers)’, ‘Need to spend time in middle’ etc.

3. Cost cutting & Discipline. To help BCCI compliant with environmental standards, few supporting staff would be axed. BCCI will construct hotels at all venues, with wooden cots and basic facilities. The coach himself will carry the bedding to the players rooms(No more 5 star hotels) every night. And even if the person is sleeping, he will pull the mattress and pillow at 6 AM every day. And once everyone has slept, nicely turn off the AC in the middle of the night. Coach will also take lunch/dinner orders from the players. In case the players are not in their respective rooms when the coach comes in, they will have to starve. By this one stone 2 vadu maanga approach, costs will come down and players will be disciplined.

4. Bring in graded system. Cricketers across the country will be classified into 3 categories. Confirmed, Wait Listed and RAC players. Players who have performed well for past 4 months or so will be in Confirmed category. Budding cricketers will be placed in Wait Listed and RAC category so that whenever someone gets injured others get in a chance. Senior and influential players will be given a chance to get in the team with the help of Emergency Quota. BCCI president will be the deciding authority of this.

Mr Maari went on and on with such innovative techniques and BCCI had no option, but to appoint him as the coach!